Salmon Day: When you spend all day fighting your way upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.

1) Being unemployed sucks. Especially considering I signed a 9-month lease for my apartment 3 months before I lost the job. It wasn't a great job. It wasn't even what you could call good. But it paid the bills and I had a little left over to start saving. There goes that idea. So now what to do? It is now 4 days before Christmas, 8 days before my birthday(23) and no one is hiring and I am just so screwed.

2)I'm still not sleeping...between my brain running at 42 million miles a minute and the depression which leaves me curled in fetal position trying to breathe. Had another "episode" last night...went to bed like any other night and the second my head hit the pillow the body wracking sobs started and continued until I finally slept. And the only person I don't want to see me like this, is the one person I can't hide my emotions from. He sees it in my eyes and I know he worries and I can't do anything about it. At least I'm not adding to my collection of scars...

3)Person I care about(please see reference in #2) is so busy with other things that I feel like he doesn't want to be around me at all. Not that I could blame him at this point...(again, please reference #2). He has no idea how much he helps with my moods...just being around him makes me feel better.

Ooookay, that's enough for this pity party. No one reads this anyways. It's just kinda nice to have a place to vent...

I can't believe I neglected my deviantART page for this long...over 4 years. WTF...where have I been? lol. Anyways, guess it's about time to get it all updated and start posting new poetry and try reconnecting with old friends and making new ones. Sometimes I think my internet friends care more about me than my IRL friends...So yeah, umm new updates...nothing special really, my usual self destructive pattern with dating guys who just wanna use me. Until recently at least...the new bf is pretty awesome and very sweet. lol. He's a big kid but it's fun. Started playing WoW about 6 months ago...that's pretty fun. Something to do when I'm bored at least. But that's enough of a wall o' text for now.


TL;DR I'm back to deviantART and I'll be updating with new work soon.

ok...here's a new entry for all my fellow xanga/myspace/deviantart addicts.

still working at the drive-in theater. its pretty cool most of the time. i dont work again til thursday...maybe i'll actually go see the damn movie...lol

school is going ok...meh...i cant wait til that shit is over though

and Jake...things are still going strong with us. i think we had a breakthrough earlier this morning. talked about some stuff that needed to be talked about.

anyways, i need a lil sleep so i'll let you all go with this:::

losing you to the thought of her
memories stir;
refuse to be forgotten
is there room for me
with her still in your heart?
tears drop,
burning as they fall...

ok...haven't updated in awhile so for my few loyal readers, here's whats up. As of 9/25/05 i started dating Jake Wilson. he is really sweet, smart, funny, and a total nerd and i really like him alot. he brightens my whole day whenever i see him or talk to him on the phone or on AIM.

School is going fine as usual...i could probably be doing better but it's still early in the semester. my poetry class is awesome. i have to remember to submit some of my new poetry etc.

Plus i start work at the new drive in theater as soon as it opens. *score* drive in movies pwn!

anyways, thats about it. feel free to comment. love you all!

so im sitting here, at 12:30 in the afternoon on labor day, crying. why you ask? well, here it is. i am coming to realize that i am a fuck up and never do anything right, and i get attached to people who i shouldnt be attached to(not for the fact that they arent great people but for the fact that they never feel the same). this whole depression thing has been going for awhile now...i dunno how much longer i'll be able to keep it under some sort of control. the only time i dont feel completely out of control is when im at work (if you have worked fast food, you know about the stupid headset things. its hard to have internal dialogue with voices and beeping in your ear). even when i sleep, i am haunted by everything i have fucked up in the past few years. so many relationships and friendship....gone like the wind...i know it probably sounds like im just bitching and preaching to the choir. but you know what? i dont give a FUCK! if i cared what anyone thought of me, id be anorexic and in a mini skirt doing the splits on some guys face right now. *lmao* funny image...but anyways. all i need now is a good massage and a cuddle. but i know i wont be getting that anytime soon, *le sigh*, so i guess ima go take a shower so i at least look like a sane human being. instead of something that crawled out from under the dumpster behind McDonalds.

good night/good morning and good bye

~Angel